The original premise of this piece… and, the original title… was going to be something along the lines of "Why Longboarding Isn't Gay". My plan was to have all of these reasons why longboarding is actually, kinda cool. And, the obvious goal of this little rant was gonna be to convince an entire nation of closed-minded little assholes that maybe, just maybe, they should try opening up those tightly shut and padlocked little minds of theirs, and embrace... or, at the very, very least, stop talking shit about... "alternative" forms of skateboarding.
Because, at the end of the day, that's all that longboarding is: It's just another form of skateboarding. It's just regular-ol' skateboarding… but, on a bigger board.
Now, you tell me: What in the hell could possibly be "gay" about that...!?
Solid proof that longboarding is not, and never has been, "gay". Check this shit out! The year: 1978 (ie, "Before you were born... and, maybe even before your dumbass parents were born, too..."). The skater: John Mather. The board? 44 solid inches of flat plank. The kicktail? Almost totally nonexisent. And, that looks like a solid two feet of burly-ass, concrete vert, to my eyes...
If you're one of those feeble-minded little pussies that calls longboarding "gay", then our boy John here just shut you the fuck down, bitch. Photo: James Cassimus. Swooped from www.nosewheelie.com.
But then, I realized something. That "something" is that, longboarding is not the problem. Nor, is it even the issue. No: The problem, and the issue, are that skateboarders aren't the free-thinking sort of blokes that they used to be. The Skateboarder of Today is quite the opposite: A Non-Thinking Sheep. Just, part of the herd.
Apparently, all it takes is one guy… one herd-appointed, "cool", clueless jackass (that obviously doesn't know shit about skateboarding, or the history thereof...)… to decree that "Longboarding Is Gay". And before we know it, all of the Cool-Guy Minions have their minds, and mouths, operating in lockstep with "The Cool Dude", and spouting endlessly about how "gay" longboarding supposedly is. Mostly on messageboards and shit, because those things truly are the low-point of human intelligence at work. And, I might add: The only place on the planet where a totally anonymous kook has the same voice as a renowned expert.
And, before you know it… we actually have a critical mass of these fuckin' idiots, all echoing each other. And, out of that echo-chamber, we get a commonly-accepted Herd-ism. That longboarding is "gay". Whether that Herd-ism has any basis at all in either theory, or in fact, does not seem to matter one bit. If that's what The Herd says? Well then, by Gawd, that's what The Herd thinks! And, it's as simple as that.
That, is the mind-state of skateboarding, today. Follow The Herd, and Gawd help your ass if you stray too far from the "established" pathway-of-thinking.
Now, here's my question. Since when have skateboarders... that is, the free-thinking, rebellious, fuck-it-all attitude, philosophically questioning variety of "skateboarder" that used to be common... become the simple-minded, non-thinking, conforming, sell-it-all attitude, and philosophically dimwitted variety of "skateboarder" that we're cursed with, today...?
The Lack Of Leadership
Of course, like most things that are fully fucked up about skateboarding today, we can probably blame a lot of this on a "lack of leadership" from The Industry. The Industry, of course, is just as much of a Herd as skaters are, themselves. Everyone's trying to out-cool everyone else, and bro down with the right dudes... I swear, it's enough to make ya wanna puke. This isn't the "skateboarding" of yesteryear, where the manufacturers actually taught us useful shit, and we- the kids- sucked it up like a bunch of little sponges. No: Our industry today is much more fixed on The Sale and The Numbers, and to hell with The Values and The Ethos. Values and ethos, after all, don't pay the mortgage on the mansion.
The media, of course, is no better. Once again, skateboarding magazines used to cover "skateboarding", in it's entirety. Not just one little sliver of "skateboarding". Today, they're all about "what the kids are into". Since when do we give one toss about what "the kids" are thinking?! They're fucking kids, man. Their job isn't to think, it's to learn. And, it's The Media's job to teach them what they need to know. Not to pander to their every single little whim and whine.
The Mainstreaming of Skateboarding
The thing is, the skateboarder of today isn't really all that different from the average person-on-the-street. The average person-on-the-street, of course, is a total fucking moron. Human beings are, after all, socialistic animals. As such, all they really want is to be "cool", and to follow The Herd off of a tall bridge somewhere to their imminent demise. What else could possibly explain the Republican Party (or, the Democratic Party, for that matter), the whole notion of "organized religion", or all of these dumb motherfuckers out there driving their big-ass SUV's around, and tossing their trash out of their windows… all while Mother Earth's ice caps are melting away, and threatening our entire future on this planet...? If The Herd was really so fuckin' bright, they'd probably be voting for the end of government, finding their own spiritual pathways, and religiously recycling, instead. But, The Herd is not so bright. We see ample and obvious proof of that, every day.
"The Herd", of course, is synonymous with "The Mainstream". And skateboarding was one of the last of the late, and great, anti-mainstream movements. Skateboarding used to be rather akin to the outlaw biker gang. We were the rebels that were going against everything that we considered "mainstream". We were basically, the Hell's Angels of boardsports. Surfers of course, are way too earthy and trippy to be Hell's Anythings. And snowboarders are a perpetually mellow lot, what with all that thin air they're always breathing. No: Bucking The System, and Fucking "The Man", was our job. And, we did it, and we did it well. For as long as it lasted, I guess...
The actual caption to this James Cassimus photo, is a quote from Tom Sims that says, "Brad Stradlund on a 44-incher is the hottest longboard specialist I know of." What it should say, for a 2010 audience, is "Brad Stradlund does not fuck around".
Hey, kids! Can you do this...?! I didn't think so. Who's "gay" now, hmmmmmm..........?
I think the big change came with stuff like, the X-Games, and the Tony Hawk video-game bullshit. That was sort of the beginning of the "mass-commercializing" of skateboarding. At the time, I think most of us [that knew better] saw the handwriting on the wall. And now, most of us can [unfortunately] stand up pretty solidly, and claim "Yeah, we told you so, dumbasses...".
It was sort of the opposite of the "Fausto Vitello Principle". And, the "Fausto Vitello Principle" loosely says that: Yes, skateboarding absolutely should grow. And: Yes, everyone should be doing it. But: The trick is to grow skateboarding in a much more "managed" sense. The goal, is to convert "mainstream dumbasses", into "skateboarders". One by one. One day, one skateboard, and one skateboarder at a time. Bring them up, and bring them up right. Which was sort of what Thrasher was all about. Fausto's creation, mind you: A teaching tool. For kids to learn from.
Instead, what we ultimately got was the "Sell It All, and Sell It Quick Principle". Which has had almost the exact opposite effect: It's turned most skateboarders, into mainstream dumbasses. We're not converting The Mainstream at all. Instead, The Mainstream is overwhelming... and, in the process, converting... Us.
It's not so irrational to believe that history always has been, and always will be, written by the victorious players of any given struggle. In America today, the "history of the world" that we're taught in our public schools, is almost entirely the Christian, Wealthy White Man's "history". In skateboarding too, history is being re-written every day. The "Ollie North" is, in fact, a "one-footed ollie". "Ollie North" was a Republican minion, a Ronald Reagan pawn, and an American traitor, that certainly doesn't deserve to have a fucking skateboard trick named after him. Likewise: "Vert" is a transition that ends in a vertical plane... thus, the "vert" in vert. Hey, clueless kids? Not every transition, is "vert". Yet, I see kids all the time referring to skateboarding on waist-high, mellow transitions as "vert skating". And somehow, it's become common knowledge that Sector Nine "invented" longboarding way back in 1993. And that longboarding has always been, and will always be, "gay"...
Do you see the problem, now...? People that don't know jack shit about skateboarding, are now defining skateboarding for everyone else. For the mass media. For mainstream commercials. For whatever self-serving reasons that they're exploiting our beloved pastime this week, month, or year. But, worst of all: They're also "defining" skateboarding, for future generations of skaters. Skaters that simply won't know any better, than to be duped into thinking that this bullshit is "The Way It Is". Let alone, the way it always has been, and the way it always should be...
Let The Dumbasses Speak...!
Another problem is that, when I was a kid growing up... we didn't have "rights", the way that kids do, today. We basically had two "rights": The "right" to shut the fuck up, or the "right" to get our asses kicked. That's the way it worked in The World... at least, that's the way it worked in the Stratford Household. And by God, that's the way it worked in skateboarding, too. Back in the day, you either knew what the fuck you were talking about... or, you weren't talking at all. And, that's it. Those were the two ends of the line.
Nowadays, every dumbass little queer is entitled to have half [or less] of an opinion. And then, they're somehow entitled to spray that horseshit all over the place…
Whether they're totally clueless or not, doesn't seem to matter one iota. And, to make matters worse: Their pansy-ass, simple-minded, whiny fucking "parents" actually encourage their dumbassed little offspring to voice their clueless little opinions at every able opportunity! Because, "That's their right, as an American!" What, we have the God-given right to be idiots now?! I'm not so sure that the framers of our Constitution had that in mind, when they created this great nation of ours...
The Evils Of The Internet
The Internet today, is cursed with messageboards, encouraging anyone and everyone to "Leave A Comment!" Well, fuck that shit. Have you noticed lately that, here at The Solitary Life, we've actually taken away your "right" to comment...?! Yeah, there's a reason for that. We want smart, saavy insights "posted" here. Not, half- to dim-witted bullshit. In order to get your "insight" published here, you actually have to write a smart, saavy, and compelling letter to The Editors... basically, you have to earn your way into having the "right" to even have a fucking opinion, around here...
Maybe, that's the way it really should be, on a grander scale. Maybe, people should be required to pass an exam on skateboarding's history, before they're allowed to post shit on messageboards. Maybe, it'd also be a damn good idea to have The American People quizzed on the under-riding facts behind political issues-of-the-day, before they'd be allowed to have an opinion... let alone, actually vote... on those, too. But then, we'd have a problem: Most Americans Can't Tell Fact From Opinion. Nor can they tell their assholes from their mouths. They just believe whatever's spoon-fed to them on the Fox News Network, and spout senseless bullshit accordingly.
Some of these old photos are extremely telling. But, you've got to have the brains, the experience, and the insight, to be able to see the significance in the evidence that's presented...
Here, we have another classic Cassimus shot. This one is Ray Rodriguez, in Paramount Skatepark's 4-5 feet (not "inches", kids… feet!) of vert.. Not that you'd ever know that by looking at the pic, because it's pitch-black-fucking-dark out there. Ray's looking straight into an old-school bulb flash, while doing a short-stanced, tuck-knee frontside air (that had only been invented a few years prior to this pic being snapped)... on a 36" Sims Taperkick.
You couldn't do this on a 5' mini on a bright, sunny day... but, Ray could do it on 4+' of vert, straight into the depths of hell. On a fucking longboard. Are you feeling kinda stupid yet...? You should...
Here's the way it is, kids: If, and when, you can give us a history lesson on the lives, the accomplishments, and the contributions that guys like Tom Sims, Ed Economy, Brad Stradlund, Wally Inouye, Lonnie Toft, or Ray Rodriguez made to skateboarding, as we know it today... then, you'll have the "right" to claim that longboarding is whatever. In the meantime: You might be well advised to keep your trap shut, and try listening and learning, instead of sprouting off about shit that you clearly know nothing about. Here, we've given decades-old, irrefutable, photographic evidence that longboarding is a manly, king-sized, and real-deal sort of pursuit. Definitely, not something for the average pussy to undertake.
Believe it bitches, and shut it already.
